Blues

Recently I had a first hand encounter with depression and postnatal blues. Originally I wanted to blog about it from my (an outsider’s) point of view but I felt I needed to get permission from the person suffering from it first.

So I approached my sister after she was feeling better and asked if it will be alright with her for me to blog about her experience to the world. Being a sport that she is, she actually suggested that perhaps she should guest write instead.

So here it is:

I am one who is seldom at a loss of words. This is one of the rare occasions. I was asked by my brother to share something very personal with all of you and that is my experience with postnatal depression (PND). It wasn’t hard for me to agree to it because I hope by sharing, my experience will help some of you who are either having PND or someone whom you know has it.

It all started for me when I was extremely adamant about breastfeeding. In this day, breastfeeding is often deemed as the right, best and the only thing to do for your kid. And hence, to me, breastfeeding equates to what a good mother’s duty is.

Being so adamant about breastfeeding, I was latching on once every 3 hours and I soon had insomnia. This was because after each feed, there was always the issue of the next feed at the back of my mind – will I wake up in time, is my milk supply enough, how do I build up my supply, will eating such and such food affect the taste of my milk and hence rejection from my baby. My insomnia soon turned chronic. It was so bad that I slept a total of less than 7 hours in 3 days. By then, I was a lost cause – I had a glazed over look in my eyes, my body was shutting down, my milk supply plummeted due to the lack of rest and I barely had the strength to carry my daughter. When I visited my gynae, he suggested giving me a sedative to take so that I can sleep through one to two nights and basically reboot my system. Well, perhaps it was Murphy’s law but what happened was after taking that sedative, I actually sleepwalked. My husband told me that I woke up in the morning and walked him to the door, kissed him goodbye and spoke with him yet I recalled none of it. The scariest part was when I realized upon being “awake” that my hair was nicely plaited (my hair is always left undone when I sleep) and the T-shirt I wore to sleep was different from the one I had on in the morning. It was then that I freaked out because I had no recollection at all of what I did, where I went and whom I spoke to. I admitted myself to the hospital right away.

I stayed for a total of 4 days in the hospital for respite care and it was quite possibly one of the lowest points in my life because I actually lost total confidence in being able to fall asleep naturally. Insomnia is a horrible horrible condition – the rest of the world is sleeping and you are awake pacing around at home, dead tired to the bones but still unable to shut down mentally and rest, while watching the clock the entire time and wondering what on earth is wrong with you.

After I was discharged, I also had very bad hot flushes (which further hindered my sleep) and hyperacidity where I needed to eat once every 2 – 3 hours and I was gorging myself silly with food. I had 2 bowls of rice at every mealtime and a “snack” would be 4 slices of bread, a banana, an apple and a milo and I still did not feel full.

In depression terms, it was comfort eating but for my case, it was also because the stress level I had cause the hyperacidity and hence, I had to eat. For someone who only gained 7kg during my pregnancy and has never weighed past 50kg, it was a sudden shock to see the scale go up.

To top it off, my baby is very alert and active since birth and does not sleep much unlike most newborns. Hence, fatigue and stress and insecurity set in. I became obsessed with my ‘failure’ as a mother and my weight gain. Being depressed also caused lethargy which made it even worse for me because I have always been a very active person and was exercising right through my pregnancy. It was hard for me to wake up and feel spaced out and groggy and barely having enough energy to accompany my dad walk my brother’s dog in the morning.

On a good day, I was able to converse normally, laugh and joke but on a bad day, I would feel like such a complete failure and was simply detached from the world with no interest in getting out of bed, talking to anyone and having any interest in anything. I just wanted to be left alone and ‘rot’ in one corner. The scariest moment was that at my down-est time, I actually had a thought pop into my mind and that was “how I wish I could chuck my baby down the chute”. My “rationale” was that if that happens, then I would have no one to worry about, to care for and no one to depend on me. That was when I realized that I had depression.

Next to my husband, my brother is my other best friend and we have always been very honest and close. It was him who called me up one evening and spoke to me very openly about his observations on my mood swings and condition. I broke down and cried and admitted that I needed help. My sis-in-law and him, God bless their souls, had already started asking around about depression since weeks ago when they first noticed that I was a bit off. I was able to get an appointment with a psychiatrist the following day and started treatment immediately.

I am now seeing the psychiatrist on a fortnightly basis and am on a mild anti-depressant dosage. The fact that I am not in denial about my condition, she says, make me very treatable. Additionally, I also sought help early as I truly want to get better soonest possible.

Based on my visit with the psychiatrist, PND usually happens to perfectionists and yours truly, am definitely one. It is because perfectionists having type A personality have a fixed set of ideas and mindset about how things should be and we are usually the ones who keep anticipating what can go wrong to prevent things from going ‘wrong’. But of course, as we all know, babies do not have a “fixed” set of rules and habits and hence, it is this same trait that caused my chronic insomnia.

I now force myself to head out of the house everyday with my domestic helper and do simple things like heading out for lunch, grocery shopping to start injecting some normalcy back into my life. When I am out, most often than not, strangers would come up to me and touch / play with my baby and comment on how lovely she is. These comments help me drastically as they make me realize how lucky I am to have such a healthy and beautiful baby when there are many who are not able to conceive.

I am also extremely blessed because I have very strong family support – my mother-in-law has been staying with me for the past 3 odd weeks to help me with the night feeds despite having a full time day job; my sister-in-law though pregnant has been there to comfort and console me and drove me to my psychiatrist visit; my husband who despite his very punishing work hours, stayed with me in the hospital even when he ended work only at 11+ and had to leave for work again at 7+am the following day and my parents who constantly called and brewed tonics for me.
I would like to end off by saying that having PND does not make us a lesser parent or person and it is not a disease nor is it something to be ashamed of. It is simply a condition that we have that is treatable so if you are suffering from PND or know someone who seems to have the same symptoms that I had, please seek professional help and you WILL get better.

Guests

A little over a year ago when we found out that we were having Isaac, we thought of moving back in with my parents because we would like for them to be able to spend more time with their grandchild instead of just weekdays and during office hours.

So I checked with my mum and was rather disappointed and hurt that they rejected the idea. I believed that the Mrs felt terrible then too. Naturally no one likes the feeling of being unwelcome.

In my mum’s defense she has always told my sister and I since we were young that she does not want to live with us once we have our own families. The reason for this is she believes that by staying together we will have more conflicts and clashes hence it is better that we meet once or twice a week.

My dad's main reason for turning us away was he was worried that he will have arguments with me. Back in my younger days when I was still a little more hotheaded I will not back down from any arguments with anyone, my dad included. However with the help of the Mrs I have learnt to control my temper better and I had no argued with my dad for years now.

Although I knew my mum’s standpoint on this but somewhere in me I always thought that I could get them to move in with me eventually hence when faced with the reality I was disappointed.

Looking back now, after having stayed with them for the past five weeks I am glad that the whole moving in together for good thing did not materialised.

For the past few days the Mrs and I were quite vexed because Ani was having problems with my dad. It all started on a faithful Thursday when my friends and I were planning to have a game of mahjong and because there were not have enough chilled can drinks in the fridge, Ani took the initiative to leave a few cans in the freezer with the intention to remove them after about half hour or so. This is common practice in my own household. Unfortunately when my dad came back and saw the cans in the freezer he was shocked and shouted for Ani asking her to remove them fearing that they will “explode”. He was not aware of her true intention plus he did not know how long had the drinks been in there.

Since then things seemed to have gone downhill between the two of them. After that incident Ani was terrified of my dad so she had not been smiling and neither was she warm towards my parents and even resorted to avoiding them. My parents in turn thought that she was showing them the ‘black face’ and being rude so things got out of hand pretty quickly.

Although I was out at work but I got constant feedback from the Mrs everyday through Skype on what was going on at home. I pity the Mrs because she was right in the middle of the tension when she was supposed to be resting and instead she had to spend more hours hanging around in the dining area just watching everyone and assessing the situation.

Her birthday was sort of ruined by this entire matter also. She lost the mood to celebrate and did not want to go out for dinner because she did not want Ani to be left alone to eat with my parents resulting in everyone feeling awkward.

Finally after speaking to both Ani and my mum we started to piece together where the real problem lies.

It is all about having 2 systems in 1 household with Ani caught right in the middle. She was being told off for doing things in ways that were the norm in my own home but not to my dad’s likings, e.g. the chilling of fizzy drinks in the freezer issue.

They are all small and petty matters but I believe after many of such incidents Ani finally could not handle it anymore. On one hand she did these things because she was taught to do it in our own home but on the other hand my dad will tell her not to do it. I believed she felt really caught in-between.

My parents have never been the confrontational type when it comes to my sis and I. Over the years whenever they want to learn things about me, they will call my sis and vice versa. For some reasons they do not like to bring it up to us directly so in this case they will tell Ani not to do instead of coming up to us instead. Ani on her part does not want to relate stories to us so she will just shoulder it herself.

Last night the Mrs and I sat down with my parents to explain to them what had been happening at home was really miscommunications and a big misunderstanding and we hoped that they will understand that Ani is not showing anyone ‘black face’ but she is merely sad hence not smiling. We tried explaining to them that she was used to our way of doing things but did not realize that they are not applicable here.

I also tried explaining to Ani that she should not feel sad because such things do not apply to her alone. It applied to the Mrs and I as well. In our own ways we also feel like we are guests under my parents’ roof so there are things that we could not do even though we wanted to or had been doing at home.

By having 3 additional adults and a baby moving in full time we will not doubt cause inconvenience to them. Everyone has their personal space reduced and as a result frictions may have been caused.

Even simple things like the fridge will also be an issue because in the past my parents are not used to having things such as fresh milk, orange juice, cheese dip and other unfinished stuffs taking up space in their fridge. Suddenly they find their fridge not big enough to contain all the things they want in there anymore so they had to remove part of it.

During the conversation last night I told them to be patient with us and we only have a few more months here before we move everything back and they can have their own space back minus rooms for their additional 2 grandchildren.

I understand now that whether we move in with them or they move in with us is really not a good idea because they will feel exactly like guests under my roof and as a result they will not truly be at home and comfortable which is exactly what we are feeling now.

Joys

Recently I noticed that as a parent I am able to find joy in the simplest of act or places. I have listed down a few of the routine things that will always bring a smile to my face. I sincerely hope that they have the same effect on you as they do on me.

Shower:
Whenever I see Ani showering Isaac I will automatically smile to myself. In fact the mere thought of him sitting down on his Ikea stool playing with water while Ani fusses over him is enough to put this silly grin on me now. Somehow seeing this little man sitting down naked and playing with water has this effect on me. Sometimes when he made eye contact with me he will smile and want to crawl towards me. That will be my cue to leave. It has been a while since I shower with him and truth be told I do miss it.

Body:
For some unexplainable reason I will always smile when I see his naked body. I like to watch him struggle and crawl around when Ani tries to put some clothes on him after his shower. Maybe it is his plus size that makes me happy and proud. So many others have ‘molested’ and squeezed his thighs, arms and of course pinched his chubby cheeks.

Eating:
Watching Isaac eats brings enormous joy to the Mrs and I. We like to watch the greedy side of him whenever we eat. He will move his mouth as if he is chewing on the same food (what I termed eating air). These days he will even try and reach out for the food as if to tell us he wants a piece of the pie too, literally. When we put food in his mouth the way his chubby cheeks move will usually make us laugh. He is ever ready to open his mouth to whatever we place in front of him. For the record, Isaac has passed the 10kg mark already in case you’re wondering.

Feeding:
Honestly I have only tried feeding him his porridge once. Usually it will be Ani that does it because it can get rather messy both for the one eating and the one feeding. However I still enjoy feeding him his milk. It gives me a sense of achievement when I managed to make him finish his 240ml of milk before going to sleep. Sometimes he will turn and fuss about and it can be a struggle but when he finishes the last drop I will have this immense pride.

Carrying:
It started a couple of months back, Isaac was on his walker and he charged towards me when I got home from work. He then reached out his arms, a signal for me to carry him. That was definitely one of the defining moments for me as a dad. Ever since then I will be happy whenever he reaches out to me, be it in his walker, in his play pan and especially in another person’s arms.

Smiling:
I’m sure those of you who have been following Isaac’s growth will now be quite accustomed to his infamous smile. Actually be it the cheeky (mischievous) or the genuine happy-to-see-you smile I am thrilled to see my boy smile. Sometimes when he wakes up he will flash you this smile that will warm your heart and make you wish he stays that way forever.

Sleeping:
Putting Isaac to sleep can be a real challenge sometimes. He will struggle and want to continue playing. At various stage of his growing up there is a different method of putting him to sleep. When he was much younger and sleeping in the cot in our room, I will give him his pacifier and place one finger in each of his hands. This is to prevent him from rubbing his face and accidentally removing his pacifier. These days I will put him on the bed with all the lights off (this is important) and place him right next to my chest. He will play with my t-shirt with both his hands for a while before eventually drifting off to sleep. Watching him sleep makes me happy. It is partly due to the fact that we can all rest now but mainly it has this calming effect on me.

The above are just the joy that I managed to derive from the routine of caring for and playing with Isaac. With the Twins’ coming I can only hope that this amount of joy will be tripled.

Revealed

It has been more than a month since the bleeding episode and finally the fact as to what actually happened was revealed yesterday. A few of you were probably thinking of the twins’ genders revelation instead right?!?!?!

Yesterday was our review date with Dr N but before our appointment with him we had to go and get this really detailed scanning done. This was exactly the same as the one which we did a few months back. It took about 2 hours and cost us $520.00.

This scan was really detailed in that it scanned the twins’ lungs, kidneys, hearts and many other measurement. It took an average of about 45 minutes for each twin.

So the good news is that the Mrs and the twins are all doing well. They each weigh about 400gm at 22 weeks and the difference in size is not much between them which is good otherwise we will have something to worry about.

Besides the physical we also tested and calculated the odds of them being down syndrome and the odds look good at 0.032% or something like that. All I know for a fact is our odds is even better than a younger girl in her twenties carrying a singleton. Needless to say I am really relieved to learn this.

Now as to what caused the bleeding, it appeared to be the shifting and detachment of the membrane. So it was not from the placenta which is excellent news and although one of the placentas is low laying it will gradually move upwards as the twin grows. So right now it seems we are at the edge of the woods and although not quite out of it we are not really in danger so long as the Mrs continues to rest and not exert herself.

She is to continue her hospitalization leave and we will be seeing Dr N again on the 1st of December and follow up with another round of this very detailed scanning on our 29th week.

Now those of you who thought that this post was about the revelation of the twins’ gender from reading the title you are correct!!!

Before the scanning got started the Mrs was asking me if we should know and my answer was “No I do not need to know”. Then she told me that she is 80% inclined towards knowing and seeing how much she has to suffer I told her the decision is hers to make. I know that if there is a girl in there then she will be over the moon and the rest of her “confinement” period will be much easier to bear.

So while she was contemplating the Professor came over and we exchanged greetings. Now usually at this point I will remind the good Professor or whichever Doctor that we do not want to know the gender but in this case I let it be since the decision is left with the Mrs. However before the Mrs could say anything the Professor started the scanning and fate has it that where he placed his scanner was the exact position of the Twin’s private. So he happily told us……………………………

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Wait for it

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Wait for it

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

See his birdie?!?!?!

The Mrs was a little dumbfounded and she later explained to me that she had the intention to stick to not knowing but who knows the scanning started at the exact spot.

Now that the gender of one of them is revealed I have to admit even I am dying to know the second one because we really hope that that it will be a girl. Unfortunately for us we had to wait till he finished the scanning of the boy first and like I said, it was a good 45 minutes and this was probably the longest 45 minutes of my life so far.

During this time all I can think of was the statistics that for fraternal twins the percentage of having a boy / girl twins is 50 while all boys is 25. Then I started to think 25% versus 50% is not really much if you asked me unlike say 80% versus 20%. So I just sat there patiently while the Mrs was probably crossing all her fingers, toes and hair and pray that the remaining twin is a girl.

Dr N had to perform an emergency operation in the morning so our appointment was postponed indefinitely until they called. In the meantime I decided to go for a hair cut since Isaac’s Godma called and asked if we were in town to meet up. The Mrs had been complaining about Isaac’s hair being long, messy and ugly (refer to the cheeky smile photo in the previous post) so I decided to bring him to my regular stylist and let her work on him also.

Overall the experience was not as terrifying when compared to what some of you had to go through because Isaac was not screaming or kicking. I was holding him and although he was not very cooperative he did not kick up a big fuss. He merely turned his head to face the stylist whenever he saw the scissor coming towards his head.

Before he realised what was going to happen.

So far so good!!

A little nervous perhaps??

A while later we found a way to best do this and that was to put him on the table and let him sit on his own while the rest of the stylists who are free in the saloon distracted him from across the table. It was a Tuesday afternoon so they were not particularly busy hence no less than 5 of them were playing with him. With this new arrangement the cutting was done rather quickly. Although I was quoted $25 for Isaac’s haircut my stylist decided to not charge after all. Thanks a lot for that Lily!! Maybe she knew I needed the money with the twins coming.

How?? Handsome?? Sharp??

Speaking of twins you didn’t think I forgot to mention the gender of the other twin did you?!?! I merely wanted you to go “Huh?!?! Wait?!?! Did I miss something here? What about the other twin?!?!” Hope none of you cheated and scrolled down to find the answer first like I would probably have.

Anyway after the 45 minutes wait, the Professor was very nice because when he started working on scanning on the other twin he went searching for the private before anything else and.........................................

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Wait for it

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

We have a girl as well!!

The Mrs was so happy that she was giggling like a school girl. She must be so relieved since people around us including myself kept on saying that we have this feeling that they will both be boys.

What about you? What was your guess initially?