Guests

A little over a year ago when we found out that we were having Isaac, we thought of moving back in with my parents because we would like for them to be able to spend more time with their grandchild instead of just weekdays and during office hours.

So I checked with my mum and was rather disappointed and hurt that they rejected the idea. I believed that the Mrs felt terrible then too. Naturally no one likes the feeling of being unwelcome.

In my mum’s defense she has always told my sister and I since we were young that she does not want to live with us once we have our own families. The reason for this is she believes that by staying together we will have more conflicts and clashes hence it is better that we meet once or twice a week.

My dad's main reason for turning us away was he was worried that he will have arguments with me. Back in my younger days when I was still a little more hotheaded I will not back down from any arguments with anyone, my dad included. However with the help of the Mrs I have learnt to control my temper better and I had no argued with my dad for years now.

Although I knew my mum’s standpoint on this but somewhere in me I always thought that I could get them to move in with me eventually hence when faced with the reality I was disappointed.

Looking back now, after having stayed with them for the past five weeks I am glad that the whole moving in together for good thing did not materialised.

For the past few days the Mrs and I were quite vexed because Ani was having problems with my dad. It all started on a faithful Thursday when my friends and I were planning to have a game of mahjong and because there were not have enough chilled can drinks in the fridge, Ani took the initiative to leave a few cans in the freezer with the intention to remove them after about half hour or so. This is common practice in my own household. Unfortunately when my dad came back and saw the cans in the freezer he was shocked and shouted for Ani asking her to remove them fearing that they will “explode”. He was not aware of her true intention plus he did not know how long had the drinks been in there.

Since then things seemed to have gone downhill between the two of them. After that incident Ani was terrified of my dad so she had not been smiling and neither was she warm towards my parents and even resorted to avoiding them. My parents in turn thought that she was showing them the ‘black face’ and being rude so things got out of hand pretty quickly.

Although I was out at work but I got constant feedback from the Mrs everyday through Skype on what was going on at home. I pity the Mrs because she was right in the middle of the tension when she was supposed to be resting and instead she had to spend more hours hanging around in the dining area just watching everyone and assessing the situation.

Her birthday was sort of ruined by this entire matter also. She lost the mood to celebrate and did not want to go out for dinner because she did not want Ani to be left alone to eat with my parents resulting in everyone feeling awkward.

Finally after speaking to both Ani and my mum we started to piece together where the real problem lies.

It is all about having 2 systems in 1 household with Ani caught right in the middle. She was being told off for doing things in ways that were the norm in my own home but not to my dad’s likings, e.g. the chilling of fizzy drinks in the freezer issue.

They are all small and petty matters but I believe after many of such incidents Ani finally could not handle it anymore. On one hand she did these things because she was taught to do it in our own home but on the other hand my dad will tell her not to do it. I believed she felt really caught in-between.

My parents have never been the confrontational type when it comes to my sis and I. Over the years whenever they want to learn things about me, they will call my sis and vice versa. For some reasons they do not like to bring it up to us directly so in this case they will tell Ani not to do instead of coming up to us instead. Ani on her part does not want to relate stories to us so she will just shoulder it herself.

Last night the Mrs and I sat down with my parents to explain to them what had been happening at home was really miscommunications and a big misunderstanding and we hoped that they will understand that Ani is not showing anyone ‘black face’ but she is merely sad hence not smiling. We tried explaining to them that she was used to our way of doing things but did not realize that they are not applicable here.

I also tried explaining to Ani that she should not feel sad because such things do not apply to her alone. It applied to the Mrs and I as well. In our own ways we also feel like we are guests under my parents’ roof so there are things that we could not do even though we wanted to or had been doing at home.

By having 3 additional adults and a baby moving in full time we will not doubt cause inconvenience to them. Everyone has their personal space reduced and as a result frictions may have been caused.

Even simple things like the fridge will also be an issue because in the past my parents are not used to having things such as fresh milk, orange juice, cheese dip and other unfinished stuffs taking up space in their fridge. Suddenly they find their fridge not big enough to contain all the things they want in there anymore so they had to remove part of it.

During the conversation last night I told them to be patient with us and we only have a few more months here before we move everything back and they can have their own space back minus rooms for their additional 2 grandchildren.

I understand now that whether we move in with them or they move in with us is really not a good idea because they will feel exactly like guests under my roof and as a result they will not truly be at home and comfortable which is exactly what we are feeling now.