Wednesday, 7 January 2009


I hope those of you who are reading this have a much better start to the New Year than me. I can’t say I have the worst start but it definitely could have been better.

I had moved back to my own place with my family on the 2nd of January, Friday. This is to prevent my relationship with my parents going further south. During the 3 months that we were there the tension just kept getting worse. So finally on New Year’s day the Mrs and I discussed and decided that we really have to move back to give each other more space and time to repair what was damaged and more importantly prevent any more unpleasantness.

It was an easy decision to make but we were worried that they might be further offended so I got my sis to help break the news to them. For some unknown reason my sis has to be the bridge of communication between my parents and I for serious matters. Anyway luckily for us they are both in agreement that this is the best for everyone.

The irony here is we wanted to move out to prevent any direct conflicts between my dad and me but now that we are home, it is my mum who is giving me a hard time. At first she was sad and disappointed that our relationship deteriorated so quickly but now it has gone from sad and disappointed to bitter and anger.

As my parents are not really the confrontational type so I had to send my sis to go and talk to them to see where according to them the problem lies because quite frankly I had no clue. All I can sense is that we are all not very happy.

After my sister’s probe and investigation, we realized that the problem lies with Ani and our ‘protection’ of her. My mum is upset that as a family we are ‘divided’ by a maid and that we are taking her sides and words over theirs.

In our defence, we are not protecting Ani but merely stating the facts. Since the last major issue between Ani and my dad we learnt that it has all got to do with 2 sets of methods of doing things and clearly my parents needed Ani to do it their way which is fine except that she has to do it ‘wrong’ first before she learns that my parents prefer it to be done in another way. Unfortunately there were probably too many ‘wrongs’ hence my parents are getting impatient and harsh with her to the extent that she rather not use her initiative to offer assistance for fear of getting scolded again.

We learnt now that it has gotten to a point that there is this stigma in the way they perceive Ani and her work. What is scary to me is what they perceived to be real they will believe in it whole heartedly. If we were to try and explain on her behalf then we will be deemed as siding her.

They also feel that Ani is always throwing our names at them but as an employee I can understand this act. If my direct boss asks me to do something in a certain way and his boss comes after me for that, my natural instinct will be to inform him that it was my immediate superior who asked me to do it in this manner. She has to defend her actions and that is to tell them that we had asked her to do it.

At the end of the day are all very small and trivial matters and I know that majority of their complaints have good and well intentions behind them. They are doing this for their love of Isaac but I still feel that there are simply too many things they are unhappy with already. Take for example my dad complained that Isaac’s nails were cut too short. Upon examining, the Mrs find that maybe only 1 of 10 was a little shorter but there was no blood and she understands that sometimes due to Isaac’s own movement this can happen so she will continue to monitor.

Another latest incident was my dad complained that Ani poured away the porridge and she is impatient with feeding Isaac. There is of course another side to this. Ani will feed Isaac porridge and there will come a point whereby he doesn’t want it anymore so he will spit it all out. After a few more tries then she will conclude that Isaac really doesn’t want it anymore so whatever is left in the bowl she will throw away and this is usually not a lot because by now she can roughly estimate how much will Isaac take. In regards to being patient when feeding him, I have to state that she is the most patient of us all.

It now came to a point that we dare not defend or explain on her behalf anymore so we will just go ‘Orh’ and then we will monitor at our end. For this I feel rather sorry towards Ani because I am unable to clear her name but this is the best for now. The plan is to move back and get off each other’s back for the next 3 months and hopefully things will improve.

My current headache now is what to do with Ani and all 3 babies after 3 months. I know for a fact that if we were to send them back to my dad’s place then all these nonsense will start again. So our only options are to send them to my MIL’s place or get a second maid and leave them all at home. We would rather not have to pick the latter unless absolutely necessary.

Guess we will cross the bridge when we come to it. Now we just want to enjoy some peace and quiet at our own home and look forward to the Twins’ arrival at the end of this month.


WaveSurfer said...

Indeed, you and wife should focus on the happy moments of awaiting the arrival of your twins, and try not to think too much of the unfortunate happenings around you (it's not easy of course).

If your MIL is okay with taking care of your children and coaching patiently with Ani, then it would probably be worth a try.

Hope all will turn out well for you and family soon. God Bless.

notions in play said...

Reading this post I sense ur frustration and angst at being caught in the middle. Disagreements that arise tend to make everyone involved feel all strung out... Hang in there!

p/s the whole of the internet is waiting for the arrival of the twins too =)


Anonymous said...

Hey this is similar to what I experience last time between my parents and the maid

We, basically me and my mom will have very heated arguments (trust me when I say heated I really mean HEATED) about the maid and all. About what don’t ask me… too nitty gritty to even remember. But I found the maid good and my mom will say she is just acting in front of us. Well thinking back, basically I think the maid knows that it was me and my hubby paying for her salary so she “respects” us more than my parents although she stays with my parents.

Anyway, the maid has since left (she left after her 2 yrs stint) and we have gotten another maid now. So far so good my parents are ok with the new maid. No complains yet (been about 3 months). Think my mum has learn to “see open” already.

So actually sometimes just listen to your parents’ complain and really take note of it… maybe Ani also knows that you are the “master” and your parents are not so maybe… just maybe there are some occasions that she may have offended your parents in one way or another?

Must remember your parents, our parents belong to the older era where maids will be maids (sad to say). Try to give and take a little k… you will need your parents help when the twins come along…. Don’t make things go so bad just because of a maid who may just leave after 2 years and no matter how good a help she is/was to you.. you are just another boss to her… but your parents are YOUR Parents and you are forever stuck to them…

Hang in there.. (sorry long post again... haha)

PositiveSpunky/ Mrs T said...

Dylan & the Mrs, dropping by to say hi. Please take care the little one , the Mrs and yes, wavesurfer is right- focus on welcoming the arrival of the twins. Take care.

Anonymous said...


Pity this happens, but i live with my mom myself so i can understand how draining it must be to you and Mrs to hear to the complains.

hope you guys can cope and Issac dun miss them too much..

nana said...

Hi Dylan,

I m not siding ur parents, but i understand how they feel.

Whenever i complained abt our maid, my hb will tend to side her too. I got soooo upset by it, cos' i felt that she's the angel in his eyes, while i m the devil. Hence, i m thinking, maybe ur parents are upset bcos they hv similar feelings as me?

Nowadays, i try to complain less & my hb try not to defend her, so our relationship (hb & wife) did not deteriorate further.... it's sad that we engage someone to lighten our loads, but ended up straining our relationships isn't it?

In my opinion, it's NOT worth straining the relationship with ur parents, but of course i know u guys want to treat the maid fairly. I'm not sure if this will work our for u : for us, we made it clearly to our maid that, whenever she's at my ILs' place - she has to take instructions fm my ILs, but whenever she's at our hm, she has to do things our way...

Hope u can work sth out b4 the twins arrive... cheers!

Hope the Mrs & the twins are doing well too. =)

Doraemon said...

Hi Dylan, I am your new friend LSY in FB. A suggestion : Maybe Issac can go to Playgroup in Child Care center when he reaches 18 mths. There, he can play and learn things and be kept occupied all day. Ani can concentrate on the twins at home or at your MIL's place.

Looking forward to seeing your twins!

mummy yio said...


Been wanting to post a comment previously about your post on party but before i got around to it, you posted another post liao.

Hmm, i dun know a lot about maids and my previous experiences with them (the ones my mum employed) have not been good. I can understand how upset your parents must have felt coz it seems like you rather believe your helper than them. And i also suspect that they might feel that your helper is double faced. One pattern in front of you and another in front of them.

So like i said, i dun have very good experiences before therefore i maybe bias. Like someone mentioned earlier, its not worth it to strain your relationship with your parent because of your helper. Personally, i will be very wary of such experienced helper.

Anonymous said...

hi if you send the kids to our MIL's place instead, wouldnt your parents be even more offended?

I also feel that's it's not worth straining your relationship with them over Ani, cos no matter what she is just a helper and may leave after 2 yrs . . . maybe at times when your parents complained abt her, u should just agree with them and say "yes yes, yah she is not so gd in this area huh but no choice lar, hard to get gd maid nowadays so bear with her lor ...n twins coming soon, got help better than no help ... " (even if deep down in your heart u do not agree). Doesnt cost u anything to pls them this way rite?

Anonymous said...

hi if you send the kids to our MIL's place instead, wouldnt your parents be even more offended?

I also feel that's it's not worth straining your relationship with them over Ani, cos no matter what she is just a helper and may leave after 2 yrs . . . maybe at times when your parents complained abt her, u should just agree with them and say "yes yes, yah she is not so gd in this area huh but no choice lar, hard to get gd maid nowadays so bear with her lor ...n twins coming soon, got help better than no help ... " (even if deep down in your heart u do not agree). Doesnt cost u anything to pls them this way rite?

Anonymous said...

my parents are the total opposite, they LOVE to spoil the maid.. Any maid that come over to our household gets to shower at any time of the day eat good stuff and literally do anything they want.

And then when they get home they act all angelic and hardworking.

lucky for me, this didn't happen to me but my bro's family.. so i have decided g and me wont have a maid to prevent this from happening..

parents and maids not a good combination....sigh

mrs chew

Aces Family said...

Hi Dylan,

My thoughts on childcare options:

1) If financial allow, can Mrs be a FT SAHM for the 2 years to take care of the newborns with your helper? This will really resolve all the logistics Issues.

2) Infant care - there are many infant cares centres whom engage professional helps in taking care of newborns. Working mom get subsidy.

3) Engaged a FT Nanny (come to your home) to help look after babies,while your helper still can assist with issac.

4) Your MIL - the reason why i put her on last on the option is there are few questions:
a) did she volunteer her help to look after the twins ?
b) is she an active retiree or a FT housewife?
c) how is her relationship with Ani?Becos she will need to tend after twins + Issac + Ani, so it's not easy for her.

Personally, i don't want to put the childcare responsibilities to my parents or In-laws as they have taken care of us all their life and it's time for them to enjoy their retirement.

Of course, they are more than welcome to look after their grandchildren as and when they are free.

Hope you and Mrs will work out the best plan for the family.

Take care.


F A I T H said...

Hi Dylan

My husband would be in exactly the same shoes as you if my MIL had stayed with us when my maid came. Getting sandwiched is no fun. Not for you, your Mrs as well as your maid. So I guess its best to depend on ourselves. That's probably the reason why I ended up a SAHM when my twins arrived.

I know you are not asking for a solution here but I do agree with astee on the childcare options listed. However, I think the arrival of the twins will bring about a change in dynamics and you guys should re-visit your options after the twins are born. Then you should be able to come up with a more realistic solution tailored to the needs of your family. Anyway, all the best for now and get plenty of rest. Life will never be the same again when you have 3 adults Vs 3 kids at home. Hee...

God bless!

Anonymous said... another 59days more...u will get to see your lovely twins...which is getting so excited abt it! CNY is just around the corner dun worry too much now...See how things goes when it comes!

Anonymous said...

Dear Dylan

I can more or less understand how u feel.My PIL moved into my place ever since I got married. Not easy...

Now we moved in with my parents cos my mum is the caregiver for my boy. Not easy too...

I guess is the differences in our thinking or expectations. I am now looking forward to the day that I can move out (dun khow when, seriously) and by that time, I will also have to sort out the baby sitter part or so.

What is most important now is to enjoy the CNY, the goodies! Must ask Mrs to eat more before her confinement starts!


F A I T H said...

Hi Dylan
You're so quiet all of a sudden. I hope its because you got busier now that you've moved back home, and not because the twins decided to pop earlier???!!!

A Husband's Voice said...

Hi All,

Thanks for all your comments, suggestions and views.

For some reason unknown even to me, I am making a conscious effort NOT to respond to any of your comments. Perhaps it is because I am trying to get over the matter so I figured it is probably best if I do not re-read your comments (a must if I were to respond to your comments) in order not to dwell on things.

I hope you will understand and not be offended by my decision and will continue to leave your comments with the other upcoming posts which I am sure I will be more than happy to reply.

For the record, the Twins are not delivered yet. Will keep you all posted on my next post.

Take care!

Anonymous said...

Heya Dylan,
Take things easy k.. don’t get too stressed up by this issue.

Anyway on another note how’s the MRS doing so far? Excited about the arrival of the twins? Remember to bring Isaac to go buy presents for the twins ok :)

Happy CNY in advance